Friday, August 7, 2009

Cornmuffin's guide to charming the prettier sex

Last Saturday night the Cranberry and Malibu’s were going down easy, and I was SO excited because I thought, for once, I was going to have an awesome birthday. Before I get too far into this blog, let me explain my birthday curse….Since my 18th birthday party, my parties have kind of went downhill…to say the least. My 18th birthday party was spent watching Crab fishing on the Discovery Channel, not by choice, but because some D.A. at MY party stole MY remote, and talked everyone else into watching that crap. My 19th birthday party, we went to Cedar Key (another favorite place to go) and although there were like 10 people at dinner, I got stuck at the end of the table and felt ignored all night. My 20th wasn’t honestly TOO bad, I just went to dinner with a few friends. My 21st birthday was spent, not at a bar, but at the hospital because my Granny (who shares my birthday) had a heart attack. And my 22nd, well, it was spent at New Smyrna Beach (sounds wonderful doesn’t it??)…battling mono and being nauseated all week.

This year was going to be different. I could feel it in my bones…..Sadly, my bones lied to me, y’all. This birthday was chocked full of crazy crap, none of which is overly thrilling by any means. But, it provided me much to blog about…

This was my very long introduction to the first installment of

Cornmuffin’s guide to charming the prettier sex

Here are a few do’s and don’ts that I came up with after this last weekend, and a few that I’ve thought about for a LONG time.

--Never compliment a girl on their cheeks. (No joke) Even when the girl knows you’re talking about her face cheeks. That’s a case when it DEFINITELY sounded better in your head than when it came out of your mouth.

--Another compliment (though funny from the man that it came from) NOT to use would be “You’re prettier than a speckled pup.” Comparing a girl’s beauty to a dog, may not go over so well depending on the girl :)

--Find something socially acceptable to compliment a girl on…such as her eyes. And a great way to do this is by talking to her, then stopping all of a sudden, and saying “Your eyes are beautiful.” That is sweet. Please make sure, though, that you’re looking above the neck when you stay this statement.

--Don't fart and say "Better out than in."...No explaination needed there.

--If you go over to a girls house, don't take control of a girl's remote control and automatically turn it to a NASCAR race.

--If you don’t understand something that we say, or don’t understand a word that we say…just wing it, pretend like you do. Don’t say “Ooooh, don’t use big words around me.” And please, for the love of Mary, if you don’t know what a word means, don’t use it in a sentence immediately after.

--A good line NOT to use would be “I just got out of prison after being locked up for nine years. I’m looking for a good girl, if you know what I mean?”

--If a girl is very obviously annoyed with you, and happens to be looking off into space. Don’t be the one to ask “Girl, you look like you’re thinking hard, whatcha thinkin’ about?” You may not appreciate the answer. The answer could be any of the following: “I was thinking about 20 ways to run you over with my car and not get caught,” or “I was thinking ‘I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, drop dead,’” or maybe “I was thinking ‘why, oh why, didn’t I just marry the person my parents wanted me to?’”

--And finally, if you come from a town that has a population of less than 1,000 people, you aren’t a damn thug so please put your cap on straight and pick up your “drawwws.”

Now there was one tip for girls that I was reminded of….that is….Don’t go anywhere outside of your house wearing a skirt that you could sneeze in and expose your business. There is NO need for people to have to go everywhere you’ve been sitting or leaning and wipe it down with antibacterial wipes. No joke, y’all, I saw the shortest skirt EVER last weekend.

I'm sure that I will have much more to say about this's only a matter of time.