Tuesday, August 30, 2011
I’m telling you what…Give me a man with a good sense of humor, southern accent, man hands, with some meat on his bones (just my type :) ), showing a glimpse of chest hair and you will have me in dire need of a glass of sweet tea and a fan. And don’t even get me started on a man that can sing…pheewwww! Lord help, there’s also something to be said for a man with nice arms that knows how to hug and/or hold you….
Pardon me, I’m getting distracted. Let me wipe my drool and get back on track here…
But men…sometimes dumb, crude, disgusting, tactless men….
Coming home on Friday night from seeing The Help my friend and I nearly ran off the road laughing so hard about some of the things guys say and do. It started with me telling my friend that I had seen a guy that she might be interested in (considering he was clean cut and wearing wranglers and boots) when I was in Hitchcocks the other day. I told her “he seemed your type…I don’t rightly know my type of guy…other than a$$hole apparently.” By the end of the ride home and were nearly in tears laughing so hard. SO I’m going to create a list, a collaborative effort, of some of the funniest and dumbest things some of my friends and I have ever heard men say. Feel free to comment…I know y’all will have some.
-“All my friends are either married or on cocaine.”
-After stating that she had extra clothes in case she got muddy while riding around on four wheelers that day, the guy said “I want you to go home in dirty clothes and tell your mama ‘look mama, I’m a dirty girl.’”
-(One of those “I want to see you” type things) “Oh well, my friends are going to walmart, so they can drop me off at your house and them pick me up when they’re done.” (Said by a 27 year-old).
-“My ex is in the other room…” (as he's trying to fool around with my friend)
-“You wanna go see some deer trails??”
-“If my friends approve of you, you’re alright.”
-said to one of my friends about me “Do you think she’d go out with me? I’d have to bring my mom along.” (from the mouth of a 32 year-old).
-“I’ve been in jail for 9 years. I’m just lookin’ for a good girl…if you know what I mean?”
-“Get behind the truck…no one will see.”
-“Girrrrrl, I like your cheeks.” (No joke. These words were spoken.)
-“Wanna come home with me and make me dinner? You can sleep in my bed.” (…said at about 1 a.m. I guess a Betty Crocker fix was needed??)
-“I’ve got a king size bed and clean sheets.” (THAT was his pick-up line. Well, hot doggg, let me run get my coat!).
-“Don’t use big words around me!!!” (The word was polygamy and he had “Big Love” tattooed on his arm. It was bound to come up…)
The ultimate Valentine screw up moment was the time a guy sent his high school girlfriend a teddy bear with I love you written on a sash across it. I guess he thought “I love you” was too big of a commitment. He had put duct tape across the “Love” and had written “like” with a sharpie… Lord help.
My dear sister has this friend…well, I guess we can call him that. He’s a bit of a stalker. He called her up one night singing “I love you” (just those three little words, over and over and over again). My sister said “What do you want?” He said “I just wanted to talk to my besssst friend.” She replied with “I’m not your dang friend, ___, you need to go out and find you some!!” (It would sound as if my sister is the mean one here...but this is the guy that has called her--having not ever been invited into our house--and gave her vivid descriptions of what he could see that night with the living room light on...)
The best of the best… My friend had me listen to her voicemail one day and I nearly wet my pants.
Her ex’s first message “Honey, you need to call me back.”
2nd message “I miss you honey. Love you!”
3rd message: “I hate your guts and wish you would die.”
4th message: (He could only further express himself through song)
Well could you Paint Me A Birmingham
Make it look just the way I planned
A little house on the edge of town
Porch goin’ all the way around
Put her there in the front yard swing
Cotton dress make it, early spring
For awhile she’ll be, mine again
If you can Paint Me A Birmingham.
I about died…
Men…strong, tactless, sweet, handsome, clueless, men. They do at least give us something to laugh about :)
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
I will cuss at the drop of a hat. It just happens. It rolls off the tongue and my teeth just don’t even attempt to stop it anymore. I realized I was a compulsive cuss-er the other day at the hospital. I cussed in front of a minister (mind you, it was a friend and we’ve known each other a long time). Shameful, plum shameful, I tell ya.
I guess my cussing started at an early age, though… My mama used to use the term “hecky-doodle” in front of me (yes, I know, scandalous. But for those of y’all who know my mama, you’d appreciate that :). My dad, a little more liberal with his phrases, used to say “hell” every once in a while. Well, one day when I was about 2, my little mini rocking horse was blocking my way to my room and I kicked it and said “Get the heck and hell out of my way.”
Now, mind you, MY cussing isn’t like something you would see on an old episode of Springer. I do try to class it up a bit (if it even can be…). I use terms like “Well hells bells” and “Oh Shitter!” (the latter paying tribute to my partner in crime). I’m telling you what, though…on those really bad days, it helps you blow off steam. The doctor gives you bad news…say a few four letter words. You accidentally hit someone’s pet turkey with your golf cart…say a few choice words. It’ll make you feel better. Sometimes cussing is a good remedy. Just sayin’…. It might not help situations but it’s one heck of a stress reliever. Hey it’s better than stapler throwing, right?? :)
Friday, August 5, 2011
When I was little, my mama used to always say, “you are just like your daddy!” Back then, I took offense to this b/c normally when I had gotten myself into some sort of trouble.
Now, I understand what she meant. My dad and I have very similar personalities.
Well, for those who do not know, my daddy was in the hospital last week. I’ll tell you, it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows by any means; but it never fails, my daddy is bound to do something to crack me up.
So, last Wednesday, my daddy was not a happy camper. Not at all. He had been on pretty much a liquid diet since Sunday night. They had cut off foods and liquids on Monday night at midnight, thinking the test he needed to take would be early Tuesday morning. SURPRISE! The doctor wasn’t working that day. So, Tuesday at midnight had rolled around and they starved him again. Grumpy doesn’t even begin to describe his mood Wednesday morning, bless his heart.
We walked in to a miserable Cornbread sitting on his bed, arms crossed and eyes rolling. Mama made the mistake of asking if he’d slept good…
“No, I didn’t sleep good, that old man (the other patient in the room) had his tv going wide a$$ open all night!”
(Thank the Lord the man in the room was deaf as a door knob…which is why his tv was so loud.)
Then we met his nurse of the day, a woman who will ever be known nurse Hitler with the napoleon complex. That woman was mean as a snake. —By the end of the day I was ready to call up friends to round me up some bail money b/c I was ready to throw something at the witch-- After arguing with dad over the time of his test, and several other things, she came back in with paperwork.
“Sir, are you Jehovah’s Witness?”
“Hell no! I’m Baptist! Why in the devil are you asking me that?”
“Jehovah’s Witness don’t accept blood.”
“Oh. Well, I’ve donated 12 gallons of blood over the years. Lotta good that did.” Oh my Lord, was he grumpy.
As a side note, I have to tell y’all…I my sister and I were cracking up the first night we went to see dad.
We had to park in the ABC Liquor parking lot (which I later found out is frowned upon). We start to walk to the doors of the hospital, and we see a doctor lift the back of his Honda CRV. One of those oxygen tanks on wheels comes barreling out and fell on his foot, and he has to chase it across the parking lot. Beeb and I were the rude girls doubled over laughing.
Then, we get in the elevators… For those of y’all having to visit the hospital, there are a few issues with the elevators. There is one elevator, that has the option to go to the fifth floor, but it won’t allow you to go to the fifth floor (even if you push the button a bazillion times…). We went up to the fourth, I pressed the button for like the third time and it didn’t light up, then we started going back down. Well, Rheba got the bright idea to go to the fourth and then take the stairs… Somewhere along the lines, she got out of the elevator and said “screw this,” I didn’t follow, so the doors shut with her standing on the floor, with hands raised going “Wth?” …Then I forgot which floor I lost her on…. I was giggling the entire time going back up the floors trying to figure it out. The nurse thought I was “special.” When we finally got up to the fifth floor, I was about to fall out from laughing so hard.
It’s always an adventure with the Sheffield clan.
Speaking of which...guess where I'm going tomorrow night? My dad wants me to go to a Dog Hunters Association banquet. I don't hunt. So this should be fun. What do I even wear??
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
A few months back, my friend Carrie ran an article in the newspaper about a woman selling these cute Zenia pins. Well, one look at the pictures Carrie took, and I knew I had to have one. Now, several pins later, I am hooked. Are these not the cutest things ever? Callie Barkevich makes them, and I can't get enough of them!