Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Letter to Anonymous

To: the boy that could make me smile,

There are some days when I’m fine. I’m happy, I’m busy, and things don't get to me. Then, some days I can’t seem to get you off my mind. Some nights I toss and turn, thinking about you; missing you; and worrying about where you are, who you’re with, and if you’re okay. I do miss you. You were always the one to make me feel like I was someone worth knowing :) and you always made me feel good about myself. They always say “People may not remember what you said, but they will remember the way you made them feel.” This is true. When you were around, a smile rarely left my face. It’s been over a year, and you still pass through my mind every day. I hope you are fine and that life is treating you well. Just know that when you feel that life is knocking you down, there is still someone out there that cares.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Warning Labels

Ok, so….Last night, I went to Gainesville with Sami Jo. We ALWAYS find something to laugh about, which is great because I needed it this week. Well, as we were driving to Gainesville last night (we had to go to JoAnne’s and Michaels) Sam told me a story that almost made me pee my pants. –Word of caution here…I have a sick sense of humor….and I LOVE a “homegrown” story.

So, a lady that lives in OUR area caught her face on fire by smoking while using her oxygen tank. ………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

REALLY? (as I sit here shaking my head in shame, yet laughing at her stupidity). What in the h was she thinking?? Has she ever read the warning labels? PLUS, the smoking has probably not been so good to you in your lifetime…hence, YOU BEING ON OXYGEN!

I’m sorry, but this reminded me of Uncle Joe on Madea goes to Jail. Of course, he was smoking marijuana. But I digress….Wouldn’t the story of that lady catching her face on fire make for a great Country song??

Sing this to the tune of Grandma got run over by a reindeer. “Mama got blown up by her oxygen tank…while smoking a cig before her bingo game last night? Some may say those tanks aren’t flammable, but that’s why my mama lost her sight”

Ok, so that’s not the finished product by a long shot…but I’ll keep working on it.

Anyways, I found a website that listed some warnings that REALLY shouldn’t have to be put on products. Too funny. But really, if you think about it, I wonder what idiot MADE them put that warning on the product??

"Do not eat toner." -- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.---(OK, on this one, I will say that I am that idiot…Recently someone came into the journal wanting to copy an image onto edible paper-to put on a cake-…well, Thank GOD I wasn’t helping her, because I wouldn’t have even thought about the ink being toxic. Could you imagine telling your daughter 10 years down the road that 7 of the 10 people that went to her first birthday party wound up in the hospital for eating toxic ink. I completely don’t laugh at the mother that came into our office though…because I didn’t think of it either :)

"Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." -- On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock."

"For external use only!" -- On a curling iron. (Ummmmmmmmm??????????)

"Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron.

"Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer.

"Caution: Do not spray in eyes." -- On a container of underarm deodorant.

"Do not drive with sunshield in place." -- On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.

"May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray. (Which reminds me….if people think that I’d be best to not get a tazer…maybe a can of mace would be better??)

"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.

“Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven

"Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.

"Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty. (There have been times in my life that I might have tried this…possibly when in the presence of family members that I don’t like)

"Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison

"Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller.

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.

"May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers.

"Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.

"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.

"For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack. (JAMS—the group of us that committed our first federal offense together-- knows this for a fact…we attempted to steal a road sign with a car jack when we were 16…didn’t work)

"Always drive on roads. Not on people." -- From a car commercial which shows a vehicle "body-surfing" at a concert. (Tell that to the woman that ran over her husband 7 times, she didn’t get the memo).

"Fits one head." -- On a hotel-provided shower cap box

For more of these, go to They are hilarious. They made my day.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Cornmuffin’s Paranoia and Irritations and crack-loving fish

Ok, so I’ve been watching Flipping Out, a tv show based around a OCD-ridden house flipper. I LOVE Jeff Lewis. The show is completely hilarious. I have decided that I have something in common with Jeff, sadly (other than my mild case of OCD :). This would be my crazy paranoia. Let me fill y’all in.

Although I have not purchased one, I still want to buy myself a tazer. They’re a good thing to have to keep you safe (same with guns). My problem is…I’m afraid that I would become drunk with power and begin threatening to tazer people left and right (such as the kids in that movie theater). Either that, or in a paranoid state, when left by myself I would tazer the first person to walk through my door for fear it was a burglar.

Along those same lines, I’ve considered rigging a video camera in my car, just in the event that my car should ever be vandalized. You just never know when someone will want to key your car or slash your tires, and well, I would like to have proof to bust their butts.

Another thing that makes me a paranoid yuppy would be some of the photos that I refuse to take off of my camera card…not because the picture has sentimental value, either. Y’all know I’ve gotten myself a few enemies over the years, right? Well, I have some photos of people that I keep on my card just in case I should ever go missing or something should happen to me…That way my family would know just who to start questioning and where to start looking.

See, I know that this is not rational thinking…and see if I thought this WAS rational thinking…I would be crazy. But seeing as how I know it’s not rational thinking, I’m not crazy, just slightly paranoid :) Now, does anyone know where I can find a cheap tazer and nanny cam?? hehehe

Now onto my recent irritations…

Switching from Charmin to sandpaper should NOT be the first change you make in this recession. I’m sorry, but I don’t like splinters.

Another cut-back that should not happen would be pushing the a/c up to 95°. I shouldn’t have to sweat like a whore in church while trying to decide which flip flops I want.

And I HATE to go into Walmart and have to push a squeaking buggy around. That irritates me to no end. And I never EVER get a good buggy. Mine always squeaks or rattles or veers to one side. Don’t you have some freakin’ WD40 or would you give ‘em a tire alignment, PLEASE!

Aside from cutbacks, let me move on to people that think I care. If you come into my office, don’t automatically think that just because I’m being paid to help you that I want to hear about your Aunt Sue’s ingrown toenail operation. I really do not care. Today, I listened to a woman talk about these topics (in this order) with no encouragement from anyone in the Journal: State Parks, public enterprise, the FBI, her lack of family, her fancy education, burial plots, how she had a prime burial spot, her love of Old Town, how it was a shame when children die, and how she shares her extra papers with a senior center. I was the one helping her and I SWEAR all I said was “ah-hah” the entire time. And I blatantly laughed at her at one point. She changed her own subjects and just kept going and going. WTH?

Stereotypes in commercials and businesses irritate me. There is a seafood restaurant commercial on tv now that has an incorrect display of Gulf Coast people. Not ALL of the Gulf Coast people have mullets and look like white trash. Also, there is a restaurant in Chiefland (that shall remain nameless) that has every conceivable stereotype of a redneck splattered on the wall. Bleh.

Finally, did y’all know that fish can be addicted to crack?? Interesting, very interesting.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Dreams, Regrets, and Tyler Perry

So, I haven’t blogged in quite some time… I really haven’t had much to write about lately. I’ve been busy; going to dinners here, going to movies there, but nothing extraordinary has happened to give me much to write about lately.

However, I had a strange dream the other night. To shorten this, I will just say that in the dream, I was going to do something that I knew I shouldn’t. It was wrong, and I knew it was wrong, but I was going to do it anyways. -- The reality is, in my real life, I have been considering this…maybe that’s why it wound up in my dream?? (by the way…nothing so serious that it should cause anyone concern) -- Anyways, right before I did it, my old friend Jared showed up at my door and told me not to do it. That it was wrong and that it would disappoint him. It’s so strange how a person that you have gotten out of touch with can come in through a dream and make you reflect on your realities.

As trivial as it seems, the dream got me thinking…so much so that I sat up tossing and turning last night until about 1 a.m. I think sometimes we don’t appreciate the things that we have until they’ve gone. Sometimes, it takes a few years, and we look back and realize that we greatly miss the things that we had in the past. Even some of the people that are close to me don’t realize that sometimes when I’m upset, I push everything and everyone away. Probably not a healthy thing to do…but I do it. That's just a coping (or defense maybe??)mechanism for me, I guess. But in looking back, I miss some of the people from the past that I pushed away.

Despite criticism that someone is sure to provide me with, I will say that some days I look back and truly miss the friendship that I had with Jared. He was my voice of reason, even when I really didn’t want to hear it. I miss the times when Sam, Jared and I would go somewhere and just talk for a few hours. Sometimes those talks would change my outlook on things, and brighten my day. I miss being one of his two hussies. We certainly had our ups-and-downs (to say the least) but looking back…that time spent together did change me. It helped to make me into who I am now, and for that I am eternally grateful. Although some may disagree, and at times I would have thought otherwise myself, Jared really is a good-hearted person and he really does mean well. I do miss him. I know that he will be great at whatever he ends up doing in life... I just hope that one day Sam, Jared and I will be able to have a little reunion, and regain that once great friendship.

I am very fortunate to have regained my friendship with Sam. I think that without her, I would be truly lost. She is my partner-in-crime, and the one that knows just what to say and just when to say it. She doesn’t beat around the bush. She tells me like it is, and makes no excuse for it. Again, although I may not want to hear it…later, I always appreciate it. Sam is the longest friendship that I’ve had outside of my Jarrod. I hope and pray that one day my son or daughter has a friend like her. One would be so lucky.

On a bit of a lighter note, I went to see Tyler Perry’s “I can do bad all by myself.” It was AWESOME! Ok, when the audience is clapping along with the church music in the movie …that should say something. I have to give Tyler Perry this, in almost every Tyler Perry movie religion is mentioned at some point. I’m no saint, but it is refreshing to see that in movies today. And he ALWAYS has a good message. The movie was wonderful.

HOWEVER, if I would have had a weapon in the theater, I would be in jail right now. Somehow we wound up in front of some annoying kids, who thought it was funny to yell down 5 rows to their friends below. We happened to be inbetween these two rows. I lasted about 10 minutes before I handed Krystle my purse and headed down to find the theater boy (what do they call them??). He went up and warned them. Of course, that only stopped them for a little while. AND they started kicking the seats. ERRRRRRRR! I will say that there were a few death glares sent their way and a few explicits yelled out as we were leaving the theater. I pose this question…where in the heck are the parents?? There were some kids in that crew that couldn’t have been over 11…There all by themselves. WTH??

Even though the kids were terrible, I am so glad to have gotten to spend that time with KW. It was fun to just get away for a little while. I think that we both needed that. And the ride home was a riot. My face literally hurt from the laughter. :) Whether it be Cedar Key, Carrabelle, Gainesville, or Crystal River, we always have a good time.

My message to everyone….go see “I can do bad all by myself.” It is WELL worth the money.