She always gave herself October and July to go crazy in. October, because that’s the month she fell in love with him. July, because it was in that month that he was taken the following year. It was those two months that the memories seemed to be so closely tied to him. It was then that the blistering sadness would wash over her.
If you asked her what she missed the most about him, what would she say? There was not one single thing about him that she could consciously say that had left the biggest void in her heart. Maybe it was his clear green eyes that could quicken the beat of her heart while looking directly into hers. It might just have to be the way the faintest brush of his hand on her arm could send goosebumps across her skin. Although, his arms wrapped tightly around her, pulling her into him, wasn’t the least of what she missed. Those arms...not too tightly muscled, not too squishy were the perfect texture. They just brought you comfort, like a cup of tea or warmly, glowing fireplace. It was in those arms that she had truly felt secure. Maybe it was his laugh, though. The deep, growing laughter that came from his belly and resonated out of that perfect smile. Perhaps it was his devilish grin that he could shoot her way from across a crowded room that would make her knees knock just the teeniest bit. Maybe it was the fact that he could bring the sparkle back in her eyes on the dreariest of days. Or, on the other hand, it might’ve been the memory of his lips parting against hers and being able to taste the faintest hint of tobacco and Coca Cola on them.
No. All these wonderful things, these wonderful memories; and yet, she could not pinpoint what she missed most. Not one characteristic outweighed the others. It was truly him as a whole, his whole being, that she missed the most. It was just him. Her loss, losing him, had turned her into a shell of the person that she once was. From that, she would never recover. She was able to muster enough sincerity and graciousness to pacify the world the other ten months...but in October and in July, she just gave in. She would always surrender herself to the pain. It was then that she would look at the rest of the world with a glazed, confused look and say "Go to Hell."