Mufflegargled

Me: “Our dentist is weird, Mom.”

Mom: “How so?”

Me: “He wiggles my jaw when he’s putting in a shot.”

Mom: “I’ve had other dentists do that, too. I like when they do that. That way you don’t feel the pinch from the shot.”

Me: “Yeah, but I bet you’ve never had one wiggle your jaw while saying ‘I’m an alcoholic. I’m an alcoholic.’”

The wealthy may call it “eclectic.” I like to call it “disturbing.” To walk into my dentist office, one would expect to find a tarot card reader and a crystal ball. Just reading this, you don’t get the full picture. There are horse statues jumping out (teeth showing) of flower pots. A witch head on the wall. A mermaid hanging from the ceiling. And as I walk out of the bathroom, it never fails, an Austin Powers life-size cut-out is there to scare me to death. The real doozie is the stuffed cat hanging on the wall with the hair standing up on it’s back and his teeth shining—I’d better explain that I’m not referring to a stuffed toy, I’m referring to something that looks like it may have been real and maybe had made a visit to the taxidermist.

Anyways, back to my story…

So, last week I had to go have a filling put in. My mom had her dental work done before mine, so the dentist had already spoke with her. This was his greeting to me as I walked back to the room.

Him: “So you’re named after Princess Aleta on the Prince Valiant comics.”

Me: “Yes. Kind of. Wow, I’m amazed you caught that. My mama also knew a lady named Aleta, too.”

Him: “Yep, I talked to her about that before you came in. She said they were thinking about naming you ‘Angelita?’ Thank goodness they didn’t. There are a lot of Italian porn stars named Angelita.”

???

I would also like to say here that I HATE when Dentists try to maintain a conversation when they have their hands, their assistant’s hands, and several dental tools in your mouth. This was our next conversation:

Him: “Where do you work?”

Me: (mufflegargled) “Gah-L-cress Counee Jernel”

Him: “Oh, that’s neat. Has anyone ever stolen from your office?”

Me: “Whaaa? I dun thhinkkk sooo.” (and there goes the slurping tool)

Him: “Well, they probably have. You probably just didn’t notice.”

???

This man is one odd duck. But all peculiarity aside, he actually is very nice. So, we’ll see.

(Side note: We left our LAST dentist office because the dentist told me as I was leaving “You have a beautiful face, you just need to lose some weight.” Needless—and proud—to say, my mama had it out with both the receptionist and the dentist that day, informing them that it was not their place to be throwing out comments like that. This dentist had also slapped my sister across the leg because she had worn cowboy boots to her appointment. Insane.)

I’m thinking, between the conversation and the stuffed cat, mom’s dental plan might throw us in the hands of neurotic dentists.