Men… Smart, funny, sexy, sweet men.
I’m telling you what…Give me a man with a good sense of humor, southern accent, man hands, with some meat on his bones (just my type :) ), showing a glimpse of chest hair and you will have me in dire need of a glass of sweet tea and a fan. And don’t even get me started on a man that can sing…pheewwww! Lord help, there’s also something to be said for a man with nice arms that knows how to hug and/or hold you….
Pardon me, I’m getting distracted. Let me wipe my drool and get back on track here…
But men…sometimes dumb, crude, disgusting, tactless men….
Coming home on Friday night from seeing The Help my friend and I nearly ran off the road laughing so hard about some of the things guys say and do. It started with me telling my friend that I had seen a guy that she might be interested in (considering he was clean cut and wearing wranglers and boots) when I was in Hitchcocks the other day. I told her “he seemed your type…I don’t rightly know my type of guy…other than a$$hole apparently.” By the end of the ride home and were nearly in tears laughing so hard. SO I’m going to create a list, a collaborative effort, of some of the funniest and dumbest things some of my friends and I have ever heard men say. Feel free to comment…I know y’all will have some.
-“All my friends are either married or on cocaine.”
-After stating that she had extra clothes in case she got muddy while riding around on four wheelers that day, the guy said “I want you to go home in dirty clothes and tell your mama ‘look mama, I’m a dirty girl.’”
-(One of those “I want to see you” type things) “Oh well, my friends are going to walmart, so they can drop me off at your house and them pick me up when they’re done.” (Said by a 27 year-old).
-“My ex is in the other room…” (as he's trying to fool around with my friend)
-“You wanna go see some deer trails??”
-“If my friends approve of you, you’re alright.”
-said to one of my friends about me “Do you think she’d go out with me? I’d have to bring my mom along.” (from the mouth of a 32 year-old).
-“I’ve been in jail for 9 years. I’m just lookin’ for a good girl…if you know what I mean?”
-“Get behind the truck…no one will see.”
-“Girrrrrl, I like your cheeks.” (No joke. These words were spoken.)
-“Wanna come home with me and make me dinner? You can sleep in my bed.” (…said at about 1 a.m. I guess a Betty Crocker fix was needed??)
-“I’ve got a king size bed and clean sheets.” (THAT was his pick-up line. Well, hot doggg, let me run get my coat!).
-“Don’t use big words around me!!!” (The word was polygamy and he had “Big Love” tattooed on his arm. It was bound to come up…)
The ultimate Valentine screw up moment was the time a guy sent his high school girlfriend a teddy bear with I love you written on a sash across it. I guess he thought “I love you” was too big of a commitment. He had put duct tape across the “Love” and had written “like” with a sharpie… Lord help.
My dear sister has this friend…well, I guess we can call him that. He’s a bit of a stalker. He called her up one night singing “I love you” (just those three little words, over and over and over again). My sister said “What do you want?” He said “I just wanted to talk to my besssst friend.” She replied with “I’m not your dang friend, ___, you need to go out and find you some!!” (It would sound as if my sister is the mean one here...but this is the guy that has called her--having not ever been invited into our house--and gave her vivid descriptions of what he could see that night with the living room light on...)
The best of the best… My friend had me listen to her voicemail one day and I nearly wet my pants.
Her ex’s first message “Honey, you need to call me back.”
2nd message “I miss you honey. Love you!”
3rd message: “I hate your guts and wish you would die.”
4th message: (He could only further express himself through song)
Well could you Paint Me A Birmingham
Make it look just the way I planned
A little house on the edge of town
Porch goin’ all the way around
Put her there in the front yard swing
Cotton dress make it, early spring
For awhile she’ll be, mine again
If you can Paint Me A Birmingham.
I about died…
Men…strong, tactless, sweet, handsome, clueless, men. They do at least give us something to laugh about :)