Thursday, September 17, 2009

Cornmuffin’s Paranoia and Irritations and crack-loving fish

Ok, so I’ve been watching Flipping Out, a tv show based around a OCD-ridden house flipper. I LOVE Jeff Lewis. The show is completely hilarious. I have decided that I have something in common with Jeff, sadly (other than my mild case of OCD :). This would be my crazy paranoia. Let me fill y’all in.

Although I have not purchased one, I still want to buy myself a tazer. They’re a good thing to have to keep you safe (same with guns). My problem is…I’m afraid that I would become drunk with power and begin threatening to tazer people left and right (such as the kids in that movie theater). Either that, or in a paranoid state, when left by myself I would tazer the first person to walk through my door for fear it was a burglar.

Along those same lines, I’ve considered rigging a video camera in my car, just in the event that my car should ever be vandalized. You just never know when someone will want to key your car or slash your tires, and well, I would like to have proof to bust their butts.

Another thing that makes me a paranoid yuppy would be some of the photos that I refuse to take off of my camera card…not because the picture has sentimental value, either. Y’all know I’ve gotten myself a few enemies over the years, right? Well, I have some photos of people that I keep on my card just in case I should ever go missing or something should happen to me…That way my family would know just who to start questioning and where to start looking.

See, I know that this is not rational thinking…and see if I thought this WAS rational thinking…I would be crazy. But seeing as how I know it’s not rational thinking, I’m not crazy, just slightly paranoid :) Now, does anyone know where I can find a cheap tazer and nanny cam?? hehehe

Now onto my recent irritations…

Switching from Charmin to sandpaper should NOT be the first change you make in this recession. I’m sorry, but I don’t like splinters.

Another cut-back that should not happen would be pushing the a/c up to 95°. I shouldn’t have to sweat like a whore in church while trying to decide which flip flops I want.

And I HATE to go into Walmart and have to push a squeaking buggy around. That irritates me to no end. And I never EVER get a good buggy. Mine always squeaks or rattles or veers to one side. Don’t you have some freakin’ WD40 or would you give ‘em a tire alignment, PLEASE!

Aside from cutbacks, let me move on to people that think I care. If you come into my office, don’t automatically think that just because I’m being paid to help you that I want to hear about your Aunt Sue’s ingrown toenail operation. I really do not care. Today, I listened to a woman talk about these topics (in this order) with no encouragement from anyone in the Journal: State Parks, public enterprise, the FBI, her lack of family, her fancy education, burial plots, how she had a prime burial spot, her love of Old Town, how it was a shame when children die, and how she shares her extra papers with a senior center. I was the one helping her and I SWEAR all I said was “ah-hah” the entire time. And I blatantly laughed at her at one point. She changed her own subjects and just kept going and going. WTH?

Stereotypes in commercials and businesses irritate me. There is a seafood restaurant commercial on tv now that has an incorrect display of Gulf Coast people. Not ALL of the Gulf Coast people have mullets and look like white trash. Also, there is a restaurant in Chiefland (that shall remain nameless) that has every conceivable stereotype of a redneck splattered on the wall. Bleh.

Finally, did y’all know that fish can be addicted to crack?? Interesting, very interesting.


  1. Girl, you soooo do not need a tazer. I know you would taze that "Indian" in her white van for sure, and children would be next on the list! Thank God you like mine!!! Ha. Ha.

  2. And just where did you learn that fish can be addicated to crack? I hope that the crazies that come to visit you don't decided to visit me down the road! I try to be sympathetic to them but I really just don't care either. HA!

  3. Lord help Aleta, you keep me cracking up, and the bad thing is, I'm sure there's a story behind all of those snippets hahaha!!