The Laughing Zipper and new Cornbreadisms

There is definitely a reason why I was born and raised in a small town. I’m figuring this out, as this is the 10^th day that I will be driving to and from Gainesville to visit my dad in the hospital. Lord help, I hate making that drive everyday.

Anyways, back to the point of this blog. Well, to all who didn’t already know it: my dad has been in the hospital since last Wednesday. This makes the fourth time he’s been in the hospital since July 3rd. And omg, it’s been a roller coaster.

Now, besides my hatred of the daily drive, I am also getting sick of ALL the restaurants around. See, we have eaten out at least one meal a day since July 24^th. It has been insane. And OMG, my waistline is the tell-tale sign. I have seriously gained like 10-15 lbs and am drawing closer to just going out and buying some pepto-pink, floral muumuus.

I pulled my favorite jeans on the other day (I have like 3 of the same exact pair because I love them so much), and I swear y’all, the zipper laughed at me. It LAUGHED. Though I would like to blame it on a faulty zipper, I cannot. I did a “tuck all the pudge in” dance as I tugged the zipper up, it stayed for a split second, and rolled back down. I even did the lay-on-the-bed-and-try-and-zip method. That was a no-go, too. I went to my mirror, tried again, the zipper rolled back down. I swear y’all, it was mocking me.

Wouldn’t you know, I have to go back and see the doctor soon? That’ll be down-right pleasant, let me tellllll you. But I have a plan…I’m going to bake him a cake. Hopefully, just by my efforts, he won’t give me a hard time. But if he should say something, my response will be this “How the hell do you think I could ever be a size 0 when I bake this good??” …I pray it works. :-P I'll let y'all know!

Now, onto Cornbreadisms in the Hospital…

“For shame” me if you will, but I’ve got to have something to make me laugh.

One night, Brett and Mrs. Pegi came over to visit with him. He was telling them about some “foreigners” he had recently encountered. He said “You know…those people from England that can’t speak good English.” Lol.

Dad: "I need to eat healthier. Here, does someone want this banana they gave me?"

In the middle of the night, he shook his hand at my mama and said “Cindi, bring me a Miami.” Her reply was “what??” “I said, ‘bring me a Miami.’”….we still have no idea what he was talking about. He never got his “Miami.”

He woke up from a dream, on one of the days last week, and told my aunt “I hope Aleta got the lead out of Karter Lee (our dog).” She asked him what he was talking about. He said “I hope she got the lead out of Karter Lee. You know she stabbed her with a pencil.” ….What on earth that was about, I’ll never know. I love that dog! Promise!

The kicker: On Wednesday, he had a feeding tube put in. As they brought him back to the room after surgery, I noticed he kept giving the nurse the hairy eyeball (a/k/a the stink eye). After she walked out, mom asked “Jackie, how are you feeling?” He said “I’m hurtin’ real bad. You wouldn’t believe where they had me.” Mom was like “Where?” “They had me in the woodshed out back! They did my surgery in the woodshed.” He was so serious. And about that time the nurse walked back in and he kept pointing his head in her direction and rolling his eyes like something you'd have seen on Sanford & Son. Signaling that she was the nurse that had taken him to the “woodshed out back.” I had to walk out, I was laughing so hard. Mom was turning a nice shade of red trying to hold it together. He was still as serious as he could be.

Men...

Men… Smart, funny, sexy, sweet men.

I’m telling you what…Give me a man with a good sense of humor, southern accent, man hands, with some meat on his bones (just my type :) ), showing a glimpse of chest hair and you will have me in dire need of a glass of sweet tea and a fan. And don’t even get me started on a man that can sing…pheewwww! Lord help, there’s also something to be said for a man with nice arms that knows how to hug and/or hold you….

Pardon me, I’m getting distracted. Let me wipe my drool and get back on track here…

But men…sometimes dumb, crude, disgusting, tactless men….

Coming home on Friday night from seeing The Help my friend and I nearly ran off the road laughing so hard about some of the things guys say and do. It started with me telling my friend that I had seen a guy that she might be interested in (considering he was clean cut and wearing wranglers and boots) when I was in Hitchcocks the other day. I told her “he seemed your type…I don’t rightly know my type of guy…other than a$$hole apparently.” By the end of the ride home and were nearly in tears laughing so hard. SO I’m going to create a list, a collaborative effort, of some of the funniest and dumbest things some of my friends and I have ever heard men say. Feel free to comment…I know y’all will have some.

-“All my friends are either married or on cocaine.”

-After stating that she had extra clothes in case she got muddy while riding around on four wheelers that day, the guy said “I want you to go home in dirty clothes and tell your mama ‘look mama, I’m a dirty girl.’”

-(One of those “I want to see you” type things) “Oh well, my friends are going to walmart, so they can drop me off at your house and them pick me up when they’re done.” (Said by a 27 year-old).

-“My ex is in the other room…” (as he's trying to fool around with my friend)

-“You wanna go see some deer trails??”

-“If my friends approve of you, you’re alright.”

-said to one of my friends about me “Do you think she’d go out with me? I’d have to bring my mom along.” (from the mouth of a 32 year-old).

-“I’ve been in jail for 9 years. I’m just lookin’ for a good girl…if you know what I mean?”

-“Get behind the truck…no one will see.”

-“Girrrrrl, I like your cheeks.” (No joke. These words were spoken.)

-“Wanna come home with me and make me dinner? You can sleep in my bed.” (…said at about 1 a.m. I guess a Betty Crocker fix was needed??)

-“I’ve got a king size bed and clean sheets.” (THAT was his pick-up line. Well, hot doggg, let me run get my coat!).

-“Don’t use big words around me!!!” (The word was polygamy and he had “Big Love” tattooed on his arm. It was bound to come up…)

The ultimate Valentine screw up moment was the time a guy sent his high school girlfriend a teddy bear with I love you written on a sash across it. I guess he thought “I love you” was too big of a commitment. He had put duct tape across the “Love” and had written “like” with a sharpie… Lord help.

My dear sister has this friend…well, I guess we can call him that. He’s a bit of a stalker. He called her up one night singing “I love you” (just those three little words, over and over and over again). My sister said “What do you want?” He said “I just wanted to talk to my besssst friend.” She replied with “I’m not your dang friend, ___, you need to go out and find you some!!” (It would sound as if my sister is the mean one here...but this is the guy that has called her--having not ever been invited into our house--and gave her vivid descriptions of what he could see that night with the living room light on...)

The best of the best… My friend had me listen to her voicemail one day and I nearly wet my pants.

Her ex’s first message “Honey, you need to call me back.”

2nd message “I miss you honey. Love you!”

3rd message: “I hate your guts and wish you would die.”

4th message: (He could only further express himself through song)

Well could you Paint Me A Birmingham
Make it look just the way I planned
A little house on the edge of town
Porch goin’ all the way around
Put her there in the front yard swing
Cotton dress make it, early spring
For awhile she’ll be, mine again
If you can Paint Me A Birmingham.

I about died…

Men…strong, tactless, sweet, handsome, clueless, men. They do at least give us something to laugh about :)

Just a' cussin'

For those of y’all who know me well, you probably have already realized this. I have one major flaw (well, several,…but I won’t get into that tonight). I have a trash mouth. Trash. Mouth.

I will cuss at the drop of a hat. It just happens. It rolls off the tongue and my teeth just don’t even attempt to stop it anymore. I realized I was a compulsive cuss-er the other day at the hospital. I cussed in front of a minister (mind you, it was a friend and we’ve known each other a long time). Shameful, plum shameful, I tell ya.

I guess my cussing started at an early age, though… My mama used to use the term “hecky-doodle” in front of me (yes, I know, scandalous. But for those of y’all who know my mama, you’d appreciate that :). My dad, a little more liberal with his phrases, used to say “hell” every once in a while. Well, one day when I was about 2, my little mini rocking horse was blocking my way to my room and I kicked it and said “Get the heck and hell out of my way.”

Now, mind you, MY cussing isn’t like something you would see on an old episode of Springer. I do try to class it up a bit (if it even can be…). I use terms like “Well hells bells” and “Oh Shitter!” (the latter paying tribute to my partner in crime). I’m telling you what, though…on those really bad days, it helps you blow off steam. The doctor gives you bad news…say a few four letter words. You accidentally hit someone’s pet turkey with your golf cart…say a few choice words. It’ll make you feel better. Sometimes cussing is a good remedy. Just sayin’…. It might not help situations but it’s one heck of a stress reliever. Hey it’s better than stapler throwing, right?? :)

Patient Cornbread...and I ain't referring to the adjective...

When I was little, my mama used to always say, “you are just like your daddy!” Back then, I took offense to this b/c normally when I had gotten myself into some sort of trouble.

Now, I understand what she meant. My dad and I have very similar personalities.

Well, for those who do not know, my daddy was in the hospital last week. I’ll tell you, it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows by any means; but it never fails, my daddy is bound to do something to crack me up.

So, last Wednesday, my daddy was not a happy camper. Not at all. He had been on pretty much a liquid diet since Sunday night. They had cut off foods and liquids on Monday night at midnight, thinking the test he needed to take would be early Tuesday morning. SURPRISE! The doctor wasn’t working that day. So, Tuesday at midnight had rolled around and they starved him again. Grumpy doesn’t even begin to describe his mood Wednesday morning, bless his heart.

We walked in to a miserable Cornbread sitting on his bed, arms crossed and eyes rolling. Mama made the mistake of asking if he’d slept good…

“No, I didn’t sleep good, that old man (the other patient in the room) had his tv going wide a$$ open all night!”

(Thank the Lord the man in the room was deaf as a door knob…which is why his tv was so loud.)

Then we met his nurse of the day, a woman who will ever be known nurse Hitler with the napoleon complex. That woman was mean as a snake. —By the end of the day I was ready to call up friends to round me up some bail money b/c I was ready to throw something at the witch-- After arguing with dad over the time of his test, and several other things, she came back in with paperwork.

“Sir, are you Jehovah’s Witness?”

“Hell no! I’m Baptist! Why in the devil are you asking me that?”

“Jehovah’s Witness don’t accept blood.”

“Oh. Well, I’ve donated 12 gallons of blood over the years. Lotta good that did.” Oh my Lord, was he grumpy.

As a side note, I have to tell y’all…I my sister and I were cracking up the first night we went to see dad.

We had to park in the ABC Liquor parking lot (which I later found out is frowned upon). We start to walk to the doors of the hospital, and we see a doctor lift the back of his Honda CRV. One of those oxygen tanks on wheels comes barreling out and fell on his foot, and he has to chase it across the parking lot. Beeb and I were the rude girls doubled over laughing.

Then, we get in the elevators… For those of y’all having to visit the hospital, there are a few issues with the elevators. There is one elevator, that has the option to go to the fifth floor, but it won’t allow you to go to the fifth floor (even if you push the button a bazillion times…). We went up to the fourth, I pressed the button for like the third time and it didn’t light up, then we started going back down. Well, Rheba got the bright idea to go to the fourth and then take the stairs… Somewhere along the lines, she got out of the elevator and said “screw this,” I didn’t follow, so the doors shut with her standing on the floor, with hands raised going “Wth?” …Then I forgot which floor I lost her on…. I was giggling the entire time going back up the floors trying to figure it out. The nurse thought I was “special.” When we finally got up to the fifth floor, I was about to fall out from laughing so hard.

It’s always an adventure with the Sheffield clan.

Speaking of which...guess where I'm going tomorrow night? My dad wants me to go to a Dog Hunters Association banquet. I don't hunt. So this should be fun. What do I even wear??

I think I may have a problem...

So, y’all know I have a penchant for anything homemade, right? And I love all things crafty? Well, lately, I have the feeling that I will be big contributor to the mad money buckets of two local girls :)
A few months back, my friend Carrie ran an article in the newspaper about a woman selling these cute Zenia pins. Well, one look at the pictures Carrie took, and I knew I had to have one. Now, several pins later, I am hooked. Are these not the cutest things ever? Callie Barkevich makes them, and I can't get enough of them!

And now, Callie is making hairbows too. As I mentioned in my last “my loves” post (as well as several other posts, I believe), I LOVE hair accessories. So this combines two of my favorite things.

I recently found out that a girl from my church is making the rolled fabric flower headbands. I got three recently and I’m in love. Jeni Boland is making them, and they are adorable! I cannot wait to have her do more.

On a side note, if by some chance y’all didn’t believe me… I think I might have a problem. I wonder if there is a support group for hair accessory addicts??...

Sperm Donor Needed

I know that I’m not in the right mindset tonight, and therefore should not be blogging. And I’ll probably regret a million times that I’ve posted this for all the world to see but I’m going to do it anyways.

I’ve had my mama give me a hard time for a while about having her a grandbaby. Nevermind the fact that there is no guy in the picture…she just wants a grandkid. And I understand her point, a lot of the women her age already have a few grandkids…she just seems to have a slacker as a daughter. After my mama had cancer, I cannot tell y’all the kind of guilt that I felt for not having a child at a young age for her to enjoy. That thought was always in my head. Not that I was ready to have a child, but I felt a lot of guilt because of it. She got better and I thought “whew, I have time…”

Last week, I had a guy who loves to give me a hard time come in the Journal. After picking on me for like 10 minutes he made the statement “Well, I know now why you aren’t married.” Kidding or not, I wanted to say “You don’t know crap about my personal life, so shut the hell up.”

Tonight was the kicker. I had someone tell my mama that it might give some people close to me something to live for if I would get with the program already and have a baby.

There’s probably no sense in telling y’all that this is a sore subject. The comment tonight really hurt, though.

On a side note, I’m asking y’all to say a little prayer for my family. We’re having a hard time right now, and can use all the prayers we can get.

My new loves...

I do pretty much this same post every once-in-a-while, talking about my new favorite things. So here’s my newest loves.

1. Mac computers. I’m obsessed…and just as soon as I pay off my car (September…I think??) and pay off my small student loan, I will be purchasing one.

2. Blow pops. I bought a huge bag of candy for my Sunday School class quite a while ago, and needless to say, they haven't seen any of the blow pops.

3. Big hair accessories. This has been a love of mine for quite a while…but it’s had staying power.

4. Will and Kate. I’m a little ashamed to admit that this has been one of my biggest obsessions as of late. But about a month before the wedding, I got hooked. And now, because she is well on her way to becoming a huge fashion icon, I am still hooked. I just love them. And they seem so happy…and Lord knows, that family needs some happiness (or at least to smile more than once a year).

5. Stud earrings. I’m fickle about my earrings. I will be crazy about big hoops, or big, dangly earrings for a little while, then I’ll switch it up and go back to a love of studs. I just have these phases. But I’m stuck on studs right now.

6. The movie Bridesmaids. I. LOVE. THIS. MOVIE. I went to see it twice in theaters…and if I’m completely honest with myself, I probably would’ve went to see it several more times. I haven’t laughed that hard with a movie in a while.

7. All things nautical. I went on Etsy (another love of mine) the other day and found SO many nautical things that I wanted. My wish list varied from little girl crab hairbows (which screamed Allie Claire and Madison) to little boy crab beanies (which screamed Whitt) to an anchor necklace to an anchor wedding cake topper (which I may never find use for). I just love them.

8. Dark fingernail polish, which has been an obsession of mine for quite some time.

9. Mascara. I swear, I must paint ten coats of mascara on my lashes every day. But I have a specific brand I use now, and no other brand seems to compare.

10. Writing. I have been writing up a storm lately…which makes me very happy.

11. Dentyne Pure gum (the green pack). I am a chain chewing, two-pack-a-day-er. Mr. Mark winces every time he sees my trash cans.

12. My Karter Lee. I never thought I’d be a dog person…but I just LOVE this dog. She’s a mess and spoiled rotten.

13. Southern Living Magazine. Their travel section. Their food section. I just love it.

14. My new Chocolate Cavity Maker Cake. So what if it has a little bit of Bailey's Irish Cream in it... :) It is delicious!

15. Southern Living: Off the Eaten Path by Morgan Murphy--technically this is a book (and my fave book list is listed below)...but it's a cookbook/travel book, so it's different. This combines two of my favorite things and it's awesome. A great gift idea for anyone who is a foodie that loves to travel.

Favorite TV shows currently:

Monday Night: All worked up on TruTV…I love the Lizard Lick crew. They crack me up.

Tuesday Night: Pretty Little Liars. Every week, it keeps me hooked.

Wednesday Night: Hot in Cleveland. Who doesn't love Betty White??

Thursday Night: Swamp People… I have quickly fallen in love with this show. The guys are amazing and I totally have a crush on Joe. I'm also dying to get a shirt (in honor of Troy) that says "Choot em.'"

Friday Night: Swamp Loggers. Poor Bobby can’t catch a break, but he seems to take it all in stride.

And yes, I do watch far too much T.V.

Favorite books:

Summer Rental by Mary Kay Andrews—I love her writing, and I finished this book in a day. I couldn’t put it down.

Summer in the South by Cathy Holton--Again, I couldn’t put this book down. Such a good story.

Well, folks, that’s all the favorites that I can think of right now. Toodle-doo!