I'd rather have malaria

I’d rather have malaria than…ever have to explain why your son’s resume isn’t needed when writing his obituary.

I’d rather have malaria than…ever have to shave my legs again (dang it, Eve, why did you have to eat the fruit and get all smart? We could have lived blissfully, thinking that furry legs were the height of fashion—I’d better put here that I WILL continue to shave my legs, but I just hate doing it….)

I’d rather have malaria than…hear the phrase “Well, you’ll meet someone…someday.” Ok…yuck.

I’d rather have malaria than…ever have to replace another damn toilet paper roll. (Why in the hell is that always my job…everywhere? I swear, I have “Toilet Paper Roll Changer” plastered on my forehead or something).

I’d rather have malaria than…ever give up one of “my gays.” They provide me with a vast amount of knowledge…and give me invaluable fashion advice.

I’d rather have malaria than…ever have to explain my actions to the sheriff…again.

I’d rather have malaria than…ever have to come up with another “lesson plan” for my “hypothetical” class.

I’d rather have malaria than…to ever have to answer the “so what are your future plans” question again. BTW, I don’t know my future plans yet. I’m debating between going back to school to get my Masters and becoming a bum….I might wind up flipping a coin.

I’d rather have malaria than…listen to yet another saga of “what diet you’re on today.” My gosh, I get it, I probably SHOULD join you…but seeing as how I LOVE m&ms and popsicles and like to be lazy a lot…I probably won’t.

I’d rather have malaria than…sit through a class with professor fuzzy face who likes to make up words….like “generalizability.” (Even Microsoft WORD doesn’t recognize it, D.A.)

I’d rather have malaria than…be asked yet again if “I’ve filled out the visitor’s card” in the church I’ve been attending since 9 months before I was born.

And my all-timer…I’d rather have malaria than…hear how we do it differently here, and how it was much better where you were from. Ok, you can kiss it and drag yourself back to wherever you came from….we don’t need your expertise, we’ve been doing it fine generations….