Friday, February 22, 2013

I refuse to sink

This blog has been on my heart for a long time, but I was really hesitant to write it. I love posting things that people can smile about or can relate to. After I debated about writing this, I finally came to the conclusion…my life isn’t always funny, and sometimes I might need to write about the harder things in life in case anyone out there reading this is battling the same demons. I love that feeling when I read some posts, or quotes, or hear a song, and go “I SOOO get this.” It gives me a type of connection. So hopefully this will be helpful to someone, or someone will feel a tie to it and feel a little more understood.

As some of you may know, I’ve posted in the past about battling depression and anxiety. Although I had spurts of it through my teen years, it really hit home around the time I turned twenty-one. A few hard life lessons will knock you into that sometimes. For me, four deaths right in a row is what sent me over the edge.

I’ve taken medicine for mine in the past, but honestly, going to the doctor puts the fear of God in me. I’ll have a damn panic attack going TO the doctor. The last time I went to the doctor, because I was in a funk like no other and needed some serious help, I told him about my depression, and all he was concerned with was lecturing me about my weight. I left there more upset and worthless than I had gone in feeling.

Growing up, my mama was always of the mindset: “Why worry? It accomplishes nothing;” and “Don’t borrow trouble;” and “Sometimes you have to just put a smile on your face and just keep going.” Now, looking back, I can safely say, my dad and I were a lot more similar in this aspect. However, my mom is more understanding these days.

Depression is not a blue mood that you can just snap out of. Depression is a sadness that permeates through almost every aspect of your daily life. I often liken it to being in a dark hole you can’t seem to get out of. It can be a state of nothingness, where you’d just as soon stay in bed all day. I know that, for me, I lose interest in just about everything, because I’m hurting. And anxiety…I dealt with panic attacks. I wouldn’t be able to breathe, my heart would race, I would break out in a cold sweat, and I would break out in hives. Even when you knew your thoughts and worries weren’t rational, you couldn’t help but have them/fear them.

I’m a bit ashamed to admit that there have been times in my life where I have considered suicide. I have had those dark days where I couldn’t see past the crap to see what good things might lay ahead. I have had those days when I realized that I wasn’t making future plans because I wasn’t sure that I wanted to be in them. What an awful thing to admit. But it’s true. I try really hard not to get into that mindset, but some days it is tough. A lot of people would say to pray. There were days when, frankly, my heart hurt so badly, I was unable to even find the words. I have had those days when I ran from everything God-related because, frankly, I couldn’t handle it. I still have days like that.

Sometimes, I have to just take a deep breath, and struggle out of bed, get dressed, and go out into the sunshine…even when I don’t really want to. Sometimes I have to let a few tears fall while in the shower, or right before bed, as a release. Sometimes, I have to take it one day at a time.

Laughter heals a multitude of hurt.  So I try to laugh as often as I can.  And I believe in sunshine.  There is nothing as soothing as feeling the sunshine on your face.

I believe that everyone is here for a reason, including myself; therefore, I need to see it through. We each have the makings for a beautiful life. If you are having a hard time, I welcome you to use my mantra: “I refuse to sink.”

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