Apologies make me queasy...

So, I have this problem… I’m stubborn. Sometimes I can be mean and hateful. Sometimes I jump to conclusions. Sometimes I’m overbearing and inadvertently push people away. Sometimes I'm rash.  Sometimes, I can be a teeeeeeny bit bossy. And sometimes, I hate apologizing.


However, that being stated, I feel like it’s the time that I need to do just that. I need to issue an apology to someone.

I would like to apologize to someone in particular for my actions:

I have tried too hard. Been too pushy. Worn my heart on my sleeve, and gotten my feelings hurt far too easily. For these things, I apologize. I will say, however, that I did care very, very much, and I still think the world of you. Perhaps that is why I went a little nuts for a little while. You are a wonderful person, and you didn't deserve to ride my crazy train. So, I'm sorry.

That is all…

That’s all I’ve got.

That moment when...

The moment when your favorite song comes on in the car and the person you’re riding with starts singing it….and you’re like “whoa nelly, this ain’t karaoke.”


The moment when you ask “how are you?” when you know damn well you’d rather be shot in the foot than have to listen to how that person is.

The “oh shit” moment when you realize that you didn’t check the caller ID before answering and it’s the person you’ve been trying to avoid.

That moment when you go to a football/basketball/baseball game and someone tries to talk to you about the game and you try to sound like you aren’t a complete sports imbecile. “Touchdown, right?” Oh, damn, this is basketball.

Along those lines…That moment when you start freaking out because you realize that you have now reached the age where at a basketball game between the alumni and high school team, you find yourself rooting for the alumni…and checking them out.

That moment when you run into someone who looks familiar, and try as you might, all you can think is “OMG, I know I’ve had a not-so-pleasant run-in with that person, but where?? Where??”

That moment when you want to be Amish, just because Levi from Amish Mafia (the fakest reality tv show ever) is adorable.

That moment when you see a fine lookin’ man, and then he opens his mouth and he’s got the most seductive Southern drawl you’ve ever heard…then you find out he’s a Junior in high school. Which is then followed by that moment when you think “Well, damn, they didn’t make them like that when I was in high school.”  And then...then, you feel like a pedofile.

That moment when you realize what the songs you used to listen to as a child were really about (For some it might be nursery songs, for me it’s all of Garth Brooks’ songs. Lol).

That moment when you’re sweating like a whore in church while Christmas shopping because the FLORIDA store you’re in has a temperature setting based off of its home office…which is in Alaska, where it’s -40 degrees outside.

That moment when you’re rooting for someone to cuss…to just let it out; because if you hear one more “for mercy’s sake” you’re going to punch them in the face.

That moment when, you just want to sit under your desk at work and smoke a cigarette.

That moment when you think “Why go through all of the headache of taking down your Christmas tree? I could decorate it up for Valentine’s Day, Easter, 4th of July, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas would roll around again eventually. Why don’t we just leave that shit up?”

That moment when you’re all crabby and you see someone you don’t like and think “she better not speak to me…she’d better not do it.” Then, the person who has earned your disdain says “Hello” or “How are you?” and you smile all the while thinking, “Bitch, I will punch you in the throat.”

For Heather Easley: That moment when you are about to die of a heat stroke…like you have sweat dripping down your back and your coworker turns on her space heater. Lol :)

Things Chappin' my butt in 2013

Well, it’s 2013, and people are already workin’ my last nerve. Here are just a few things that are chappin’ my broad butt right now:


• For the love of Snooki, I wish people would put a dang “lol” or two in an email when they’re joking. Now, granted, the lack of voice inflection in a text/email/IM has gotten me in some real doozies. And I have unintentionally upset more than a handful of people that way. Now, having been on the other side of that for…oh, say six months. I can COMPLETELY understand! OMG, if you’re joking, clue this girl in. My word, I’m beginning to expect a dour robot when I run into you on the street.

• Perky people. Let me just say, my New Year’s Resolution was NOT to become a nicer, friendlier, more bubbly person. I will never pop out of bed and be Little Miss Sunshine. In fact, my mama will always call me her Little Raincloud. :) hahaha.

• So, y’all might’ve taken note that I sometimes, maybe, kinda have a problem keeping my mouth shut, right? You might have also noted that I also sometimes think that inappropriate things are hilarious; and given the opportunity, I also tend to add some “spice” to my sentences….(I also like to think of them as “sentence enhancers”). Well, dear Lord, as much as I try to make people laugh on facebook, I still get some criticism for language or the things I say. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s fine. But if you don’t find humor in my day to day life and postings, either hide me, or delete me. Sad but true.

• Men. I’ll probably have much more to say on this subject in an upcoming blog.

• Holy Mimosas, I am already sick of people talking about their diets. Lord, if you want to diet, go right ahead. I’m trying to make some changes my own self, but goodness gracious, that’s not the only thing I can talk about, either. Despite what you might think, I don’t have to hear all you ate for breakfast, or hear about your not-so-appetizing lunch. And I especially don’t have to try your new, wonderful side dish that’s only 50 calories a serving. That’s awesome and all…but don’t tell me how wonderful it is. I’d probably need 5 servings to fill me up, and besides, it tastes like slime on seaweed.

I’ve got more irritations to come. However, this is only the 2nd day of 2013, so if I complain too much, y’all might find me to be a crusty old lady :) And “ain’t nobody got time for dat.”

A big love for Idiots wearing fascinators, dressed in tinfoil, eating fried chicken at the Crack Shack

Ok, that's just a jumble of what this blog is about...but hey, it got you to read it :)

If you know me well at all, you know that I have a never-ceasing love of fried chicken.  I love it.  This might just explain my fabulous curves a bit :)

In my opinion, the Cracker Box a/k/a Crack Shack has the BEST chicken strips ever…and luckily it’s just steps behind my office. 

Another thing that I love about the Crack Shack is the smiling faces that greet you there.  Not a day goes by that you can’t find some of the County Commissioners or the PGBC pastoral staff eating lunch.  And rarely do I walk in there that D. Ray doesn’t greet me with “Well, there’s my street walker, don’t forget to add mine to your bill.” (I campaigned for him in 2006).  It’s just such a nice place to eat lunch. A little slice of Mayberry, if you will.

And Mrs. Julie…I love Mrs. Julie.  She is always as sweet as she can be…and fabulous, that woman is fabulous.  We became Crack Shack friends, and then we became Facebook friends…which you know is the all-official sign of a true friendship. :)  Maybe it was our bonding over our love of big hair and loud hair accessories.  I must say, it’s nice to find someone in Trenton that can appreciate a big fascinator.  

After being (ahem!) rushed through lunch by my dear friend Crystal Rodgers, I went up to pay and got to chat with Mrs. Julie.  She had read the beginning of my post this morning where I referenced wedding planning…and she said something that rather blessed my heart. 

She said “I read your post this morning and I thought ‘What? Aleta is getting married?’”

My response was “Oh hell no, Mrs. Julie.”  Haha

She said “I thought “Someone must have swept Aleta off her feet.  He must be a really special guy.”

:)  That made me smile.  Yes, it will take a very special guy to sweep me off my feet.  Sadly, no.  I haven’t met Mr. Right just yet.  Or maybe I have and just don’t know it yet.  Still, I am hopeful.   

Over the years, I’ve watched others strike out in love and completely give up.  It’s sad…they become bitter…and don’t want to try any more.  Believe me, I know it’s an easy hole to fall into.  I have those days too.   However, I still feel like every experience molds us…shapes us into something that will one day be beneficial to the one we are meant for.  At least that’s my belief…

Marriage still scares the hell out of me…I’ll be honest.  It really does.  Commitment…Forever…Every time I hear those two words it kind of makes me want to run screaming for the hills.  Still, it’d be nice to meet my knight in shining armor instead of an idiot dressed in tin foil.

Sigh…it will happen eventually.

20 randoms

Lets pray I've counted right...lol.

1. I truly believe that I was a smoker in a past life. I will literally stand there and sniff someone who’s been smoking a cigar.

2. I have an unhealthy obsession with Robert Pattinson. There! I said it!

3. I used to be afraid of reading/watching something sad/sappy. Now, I’m beginning to think that I have a heart condition b/c my heart does spastic things when I watch/read them. No lie, it actually hurts. It's really weird.

4. My latest fascination has become collecting books. As we were talking one day at work, Chris made the comment “I need to build myself a bookshelf.” I said, “See, that’s where we differ…you’re thinking of making yourself a bookshelf, which is normal... and me, being neurotic, I’m considering buying myself a big a$$ safe for my books.” Have I mentioned that I tend to obsess about things?—Another addition to this, I’m a little crazy when it comes to how someone holds a book that they’re borrowing from me. Just ask my sister. She had a paperback of mine opened and laying face-down on the bed one day and I nearly flipped. Don't get me started on people who dog-ear books. Yes, I’m just a little crazy.

5. I was mighty proud when my Key Lime Trifle went for $250 at the FFA Cake Auction, recently.

6. I am becoming more and more forgetful. I can’t think of words sometimes. Like easy words…like “lane.” I was trying to describe something to a friend one day and I think I said something to the effect of “So we were driving in this…part of the road.” She was like “Do you mean ‘lane’?” “Yes,” I admitted embarrassed. Then, I was helping a customer one day, and was trying to write his receipt. I stared at what he was buying for way longer than I should’ve…just trying to remember what it was called. All I could come up with was “paper-clippy thing,” so I finally just left it blank. It was a clipboard. A. Clipboard. This would crack me up, but I’m afraid people are going to start thinking I’m on drugs.

7. My sense of smell is really heightened right now, and that is weird. Maybe it’s from being congested for the duration of about 2 weeks, and now, I’m finally able to breathe and smell again…I don’t know. But I smell EVERYTHING.

8. I had a really good start to my book…like 30-something pages, but after a few name changes, I’m at a complete loss. Which brings me to…

9. I am a very indecisive person. And it’s nerve-racking for people, I’m sure. This is why I never can decide what I want to do with my hair, this is why I can’t figure out what I want as my tattoo. I’m better when I don’t make a decision until the last minute. It’s impulsive, but I don’t have time to dwell on it and change my mind a million times.

10. I am currently on the search for a specific ring that I want. But I’ve “decided” (laughable) that I’m not going to buy one until I’m absolutely, positively sure that it’s the exact one that I want. So this might be a long venture.

11. In the last month, I’ve thought about running away at least 5 times. I know where I’d go, and that’s really no secret, but some days I feel like I might burst if I don’t get out of here.

12. The “I hates.” I hate…flowers. I hate having to repeat myself more than twice. I hate loud noises. I hate when people sneak up on me. I hate the Hallmark Channel. I hate cleaning. I hate (and sometimes love) how the smallest thing can trigger a memory.

13. I miss my dad…daily.

14. I have the strangest Thursday night show line-up. First, Project Runway. Then, Swamp People. Finally,... Jersey Shore.

15. I know I’ve said it a million times on fb. But I desperately want a Volvo. My mother doesn’t see it as necessity…and I balk at the idea of taking on another car payment right now. Plus…they don’t get great gas mileage…which makes me sad. Once you’ve become accustomed to getting 30+ mpg, is there really any way you can go back?

16. I hardly ever get online while I’m at home anymore.

17. I’ve never actually been in an accident that involved another “moving” car. I’ve hit several parked cars, I’ve almost driven off into a rock pit, and I nearly created a new drive-thru at the Chiefland Burger King (ahem! Steph Mackin), but never a moving vehicle. The latest parked car I hit was my sister’s truck (the first with my Mazda…the first in 5 years…that should say my driving is improving, right??). Scared the mess out of me. She handled it well. Especially considering I was so freaked out, when I showed her, I said something like “Ok, I hit your car. I’m sorry. It’s not so bad, though, right? (said waving my hands at the dent)” And then I pretty much ran to my car, got in, and started driving away as she stood there staring at her truck.

18. I worry daily about people that I cannot change; that I cannot fix.

19. It’s strange, I would’ve expected the opposite effect, but in the last year, I’ve become less compassionate, and a bit colder. It’s not that I don’t care, but I just have gotten to the point where I feel like people expect too much of me. A person can only give so much. To better explain this, I will say that I had a couple of people come to me with their problems after my dad passed away, and I simply wanted to shake them and say “it could be so much worse!” In my defense, my dad suffered quite a bit before he passed, pancreatic cancer is a horrible, horrible way to die, and having to witness that, I think it would’ve been impossible for me to stay the same person.

20. I think some of the most fun that I have is with my family. My mom is quiet but she is hilarious. And my sister…well, Rheba is an odd duck, and full of flair.

21. Every movie that I went to in 2011, I went to see more than once. Breaking Dawn...I went to see 3 times. lol

Things Pancreatic Cancer can't take away

My heart has been torn between so very many emotions over the last week. For those of y’all who didn’t know, my dad passed away early last Wednesday morning.

To say that my heart is broken would be putting it mildly. In the weeks leading up to his passing, I had witnessed his decline, and that in itself was the single hardest thing that I’ve ever had to experience. To watch a man that was so full of life, who loved to laugh, and who was so determined to fight against this cancer, struggle with his illness and slowly succumb to the disease left me shattered and broken inside.

Daddy was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer at the end of July. This diagnosis came after having problems with pain in the upper right area of the abdomen even after having his gallbladder taken out. He had complaining and going to the doctor since May. Everyone had thought it was the gallbladder, including me. Knowing that pancreatic cancer has a terrible prognosis, our family was in shock. Not only did he have the mass on his pancreas, but the cancer was already in stage 4 and had already spread to his liver. Still, after hearing that he may only have a year or even less to live, my dad was still determined to fight the cancer and get better. He began chemo treatments in early August. They had told us that the chemo would be very aggressive, but we were still not prepared for what was ahead. After two of the aggressive chemo treatments, and after being put in the hospital after both, my dad had dropped 100 pounds. He couldn’t eat. We couldn’t cook because he couldn’t bear the smell. It was horrible. He was weak, he hardly got out of bed. And yet, his co-workers, having loved my dad for many years and being the good people that they are, would come and get him (from Itchetucknee) and drive him to work on the days he felt up to working.

After my dad lost the 100 pounds and couldn’t even keep water down, he was admitted into the hospital for the last time. He spent five weeks there. We watched him struggle with nausea; have a N-G tube put in (a tube that goes down your nose and is used to drain your stomach); have a feeding tube put in; gain 100 pounds of fluid; become unable to walk; and slowly slip into liver and kidney failure. The family was told the Friday before he passed, which was actually his birthday, that he may not make it through the weekend. We did what we could. We threw him a birthday party (which he slept through), and we camped out there so that we could spend every moment we could with him. The last several days, I spent as much time as I could just holding his hand. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, he pretty much slept through the day, but Monday and Tuesday he was wide awake and was able to communicate with us. I will always think back on his face, and how prominent, expressive, and beautiful his eyes were. I am so, so very thankful that God enabled him to talk those last two days. Rheba and I were able to tell him what a great dad he had been to us and every chance we got, we told him that we loved him.

These are the things that I am thankful for: God blessed me with a father that was nothing less than amazing. I am so thankful that I had 25 years with him. I was given the opportunity to tell him how much I loved him. We have had the most amazing family surrounding us these past couple of days and I cannot even begin to express my gratitude for the prayers, cards, food, flowers, and calls that were sent our way. His coworkers have been amazing through all of this. Dr. Acs was the most compassionate doctor that dad could’ve had, and his nurses were wonderful. God surrounded us with wonderful staff at NFRMC and loving nurses that treated my dad like family. I cannot say enough how much Mr. Leroy meant to my dad and my family. And most of all, I am thankful because I know that one day I will see him again.

Saturday, at my dad’s funeral, I had an old friend come up and say “It looks like you’re holding up pretty well.” For some reason that has stuck with me. What an odd thing to say. In fairness to him, it probably seemed that way. Again, it’s been very surreal these past few days. But that was my DAD. A man I loved dearly, a man I laughed with, shared such fond memories, and got a lot of my values from. I am trying to hold it together. But as reality is beginning to set in, and the void is becoming more and more apparent, I am quite sure that I will have days where I won’t want to get out of bed. I am certain that there will be days when I will fall slap to pieces. But see, right now, it’s only starting to feel real to me.

This was the man that had my name on the side of his truck for so long.

This was the man that bought me a shriner’s car when I was 2, because he thought I needed one :)

This was the man who made me a tee-pee in the front yard when I was learning about Indians.

This was the man that I shared so many laughs with and loved dearly.

This was the man that I so wanted to walk me down the aisle and hold my baby one day.

THIS was my wonderful, amazing father.

He will be missed.

I pray that who I am and what I will do in my life will always make you proud.

As sad as I am, I still have so many fond memories to look back on. Pancreatic Cancer is a horrible disease, but there are some things that it can’t take away…

The Laughing Zipper and new Cornbreadisms

There is definitely a reason why I was born and raised in a small town. I’m figuring this out, as this is the 10^th day that I will be driving to and from Gainesville to visit my dad in the hospital. Lord help, I hate making that drive everyday.

Anyways, back to the point of this blog. Well, to all who didn’t already know it: my dad has been in the hospital since last Wednesday. This makes the fourth time he’s been in the hospital since July 3rd. And omg, it’s been a roller coaster.

Now, besides my hatred of the daily drive, I am also getting sick of ALL the restaurants around. See, we have eaten out at least one meal a day since July 24^th. It has been insane. And OMG, my waistline is the tell-tale sign. I have seriously gained like 10-15 lbs and am drawing closer to just going out and buying some pepto-pink, floral muumuus.

I pulled my favorite jeans on the other day (I have like 3 of the same exact pair because I love them so much), and I swear y’all, the zipper laughed at me. It LAUGHED. Though I would like to blame it on a faulty zipper, I cannot. I did a “tuck all the pudge in” dance as I tugged the zipper up, it stayed for a split second, and rolled back down. I even did the lay-on-the-bed-and-try-and-zip method. That was a no-go, too. I went to my mirror, tried again, the zipper rolled back down. I swear y’all, it was mocking me.

Wouldn’t you know, I have to go back and see the doctor soon? That’ll be down-right pleasant, let me tellllll you. But I have a plan…I’m going to bake him a cake. Hopefully, just by my efforts, he won’t give me a hard time. But if he should say something, my response will be this “How the hell do you think I could ever be a size 0 when I bake this good??” …I pray it works. :-P I'll let y'all know!

Now, onto Cornbreadisms in the Hospital…

“For shame” me if you will, but I’ve got to have something to make me laugh.

One night, Brett and Mrs. Pegi came over to visit with him. He was telling them about some “foreigners” he had recently encountered. He said “You know…those people from England that can’t speak good English.” Lol.

Dad: "I need to eat healthier. Here, does someone want this banana they gave me?"

In the middle of the night, he shook his hand at my mama and said “Cindi, bring me a Miami.” Her reply was “what??” “I said, ‘bring me a Miami.’”….we still have no idea what he was talking about. He never got his “Miami.”

He woke up from a dream, on one of the days last week, and told my aunt “I hope Aleta got the lead out of Karter Lee (our dog).” She asked him what he was talking about. He said “I hope she got the lead out of Karter Lee. You know she stabbed her with a pencil.” ….What on earth that was about, I’ll never know. I love that dog! Promise!

The kicker: On Wednesday, he had a feeding tube put in. As they brought him back to the room after surgery, I noticed he kept giving the nurse the hairy eyeball (a/k/a the stink eye). After she walked out, mom asked “Jackie, how are you feeling?” He said “I’m hurtin’ real bad. You wouldn’t believe where they had me.” Mom was like “Where?” “They had me in the woodshed out back! They did my surgery in the woodshed.” He was so serious. And about that time the nurse walked back in and he kept pointing his head in her direction and rolling his eyes like something you'd have seen on Sanford & Son. Signaling that she was the nurse that had taken him to the “woodshed out back.” I had to walk out, I was laughing so hard. Mom was turning a nice shade of red trying to hold it together. He was still as serious as he could be.