In my defense...

I’ve been trying to remember to get my birthday pictures off of my camera…and I keep forgetting to. Oh, well…hopefully tomorrow.

This week I’ve been struggling with something. Actually, it’s been bothering me now for months, but it just came to a head this week…

For about the last six months, I’ve felt like I’ve been at a standstill. People keep asking me “What are you going to do?” “Are you going back to school?” “When are you going to move?” (apparently, they haven’t discussed this with my dad…every time it gets brought up,--because I have thought of moving out all on my own, people-- he flies into a tizzy), the best is “When are you going to meet someone?” (ummm….—crazy look here--) I am SOOOO sick of questions. The truth is, I don’t really know the answers yet. I really don’t. I’ve mentioned this before…It’s not as if I’m lacking ambition, but when people ask me, I draw a complete blank. I just don’t know.

Things I’ve learned about myself.

1. At present time, I’m not equipped to be a counselor. You could ask me what medicine is generally prescribed for bipolar disorder. I could answer. Ask me about psychological disorders. I could answer. You could even ask me about some neurological disorders, and I could answer. But since 2007, I haven’t quite been the same. It’s not that I lack compassion, but I believe that there are some emotional situations that I am not able to help people with. There are some situations that I wouldn’t be able to help people with, because I, myself, am not ready to face. Not because this is relevant to the counselor thing, but because it’s relevant to where I stand on this… Recently I nearly went into a full panic attack at the thought of seeing a sad movie. My friend and I had discussed seeing a specific movie for my birthday…but when I looked at the reviews, I knew that I couldn’t watch it. I hated to tell my friend, because it was just a weird thing to say, and because I didn’t want to disappoint her (seeing as how she wanted to see it too). But I hate crying, I’m almost to the point where I hate to show much emotion at all. It’s just odd, but I am not the same person that I was when I decided to get my degree in Psychology.

2. All of the things I love to do DON’T MAKE MONEY. I love to write. I love sewing. I love researching things. There is so much more…but I’m drawing a blank at the moment. But does any of it have careers that make money? Nope.

3. The way that I am, my personality, according to a website, is very prone to being treated like a doormat. It makes me susceptible to being in relationships with abusers, substance abusers, etc. Nice. I pray to God that I’m smarter than to put myself in that kind of situation. I will say this, I have been a bit of a door mat to some. I see that now, and I’m going to try my hardest not to let that situation happen again.

4. On the whole “When are you going to find someone?” thing. Let me just tell anyone who has questioned this: I want the RIGHT guy, not just someone to settle for. Because, if you haven’t noticed “settling” never works. Five, ten years down the road, you’ll look back and maybe see what could’ve been…and you’ll regret it. The truth is, I’ve been in love with a guy since I was 18. Some things just aren’t meant to work out. And I know that no person is ever the same as another. But I want whoever I find to have the same qualities and characteristics and values that this guy has. That is what I’m looking for.

Considering all of this, though, and considering the whole standstill thing…I’ve felt like I was being suffocated for the past six months. One of my biggest hang-ups is the fact that I regret a lot of the things that I didn’t do. I’ve felt like my life’s been put on hold, it’s began to eat at me because I haven’t been doing the things that people my age do. Due to some of the stuff that’s been happening in my life, I haven’t been able to get out and do as much, and it’s bothering me. In fact, I’ve been miserable, to say the least. There’s so much I want to do and see…and I’m tired of waiting. Things at home are getting better, and I’m ready to take charge of my life again. I’m ready to go and do.

That being said, I’m not sure if I can get all my business in order before October, but I am going to start school again. Hopefully for spring, but if not, next fall. I think I might have a plan :) “Think” being the key word here. lol