Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Give me liberty, or give me Prozac

I know he ain’t fit’na be beepin’ at me. (Use that phrase if you ever get honked at...straight from my friend Megan's mouth.) To my mom’s dismay, I have been using my traffic finger quite a lot these days. For instance, if someone cuts us off while mom’s driving in Gainesville I always offer to give them the finger. It’s just the right thing to do :) I just honestly don’t know where these people took driving lessons. They drive like a bunch of maniacs. They obviously didn’t learn the safe driving techniques like I did from my cousin Jarrod (Did I mention that they know him well in driving school?) Anyways, while Christmas shopping late one afternoon in Gainesville, we got honked at. Well, I turned around and looked at the honker. He made some finger motion. I was shocked. I couldn’t believe the man had just flicked us off. I couldn’t let him get away with it, so I gave him the finger right back. Then, he honked again. Unbelievable, I thought. Well…come to find out, this guy wasn’t giving me the finger, he was trying to get us to turn on our lights. Oops. But anyways, all these idiots on the road just really irritate me these days.

Now, onto the toilet paper wars. Has anyone ever noticed how completely helpless men can be sometimes. For goodness sakes. Maybe it’s just me, but I get so tired of having to change the toilet paper roll, every time. Like,…they can go into a bathroom, finish, and leave one square of t.p. hanging on the roll, and not think once about replacing it (I’ve often wondered why they leave that one piece. As I’m writing this, mom gave me the answer. She says it’s because they don’t want to use the gluey piece). Somehow, it is my turn to change it, EVERY TIME! Geez. That’s just a guy for you, though. I declare.

I have also decided that if I were to ever have kids—right now, that’s not looking too promising. I’m not good with pain. Well, that and the fact that I’m going to wind up with ugly, bad kids, b/c God has a sense of humor…and I’ve talked bad about everyone else’s kids :) (Disclaimer. I have never talked negatively about Allie, Gus, Belle, Cooper, Waylon, Wyatt, or Mazie)—Anyways, I am SO sending my hypothetical kids to Grandma Cindi just as soon as they turn 13. Lord, I can’t stand the whole teenage, holier-than-thou, know so much crap. And I swear, if I hear “whatever” one more time from a teenager, I’m going to scream! What’s really bad is that I know that I was like that, too. I’m not special…I behaved just like a teenager when I was that age. However, I am ill-equipped to deal with it on a daily basis myself. If I were to listen to my idol Madea, I would take her advice of “You just gotta have patience with these chill-rens, you just got have patience with ‘em.” But I ain’t got the patience, and I don’t intend on askin’ the good Lord for it either.

Oh, another random thing that’s been annoying me lately. Have you ever known someone that uses the same phrases in every conversation that they have. Now, mind you, I know several phrases that I say repeatedly. Such as, I say “Goodness” a lot. I especially use it when I’m talking to customers, and not really listening. But day in and day out, some people use the same phrases over and over and over. This ain’t Good Times, and not everything is “Dyno-mite!” Find some new phrases or I will have to resort to finding a rusty plastic knife to slit my wrists.

Oh. My. Gosh. I almost forgot. I am SO incredibly sick of people asking me about my pedigree. I am related to the Sheffields (obviously…Cedar Key), the Watsons (Levy and Gilchrist),and the Arringtons (Levy and Gilchrist). If you don’t know anyone with that last name, I’m sorry then. You must be living under a freakin’ rock. I seem to be related to everyone in the Tri-County area in some way or another. But, considering that I work in Trenton, but was raised mainly in Chiefland, people still look at me as that “poor white trash.” I, literally, have people that come into the Journal and will wave me away with their hands b/c I am not up to their status. They refuse to have me help them, b/c they don’t know me. And along those lines…I have a really hard time being nice to people who throw out their names like it’s candy in a parade. I had someone call me at work last week trying to get a last minute obit in. I was willing to take it…but they didn’t want to send it in until well after we would’ve had the paper made up. When I said that wouldn’t work, they asked me if I knew who their mama was. WTH? That’s not going to help you a bit, honey. So sorry. Arghhh…

Finally, (there are dozens of other things that bother me…but I better shut up at some point) I HATE when my phone starts screwing up. Tonight, I have had umpteen million text messages. None of which I can respond to easily. I’m walking around with a freakin’ dinosaur of a phone…after the unfortunate incident that my last phone had (it involved tiny pockets in my jeans and a toilet—my phone got swimming lessons). And now, every time I go to text someone, my phone dies. And I have to restart it, and it dies again. Stupid piece of junk. I’m thinking of getting a Moto-Q. Unfortunately, I’ll have to pay out of pocket…and it’s like $450. Bleh.

Lord knows, if my phone keeps actin’ up, people keep using the same phrase, teenagers keep saying “whatever,” people keep askin’ for my pedigree, guys keep leaving me the gluey piece of t.p., and people keep drivin’ like a bunch of ninnys, the doctor’s going to have to up my meds. I’m tellin’ y’all, I’ve had it. “Give me liberty, or give me Prozac!”

13 comments:

  1. Aleta, you are crackin' me up!
    I say, amen sister, to the last little piece of tp!
    We keep ours in a cabinet above the toilet..and I'm vertically challenged..so I have to stand on the toilet lid to get to it. He doesn't. Do you know how LONG it takes to climb up and down to get a roll when you've REEEEALLY gotta go??!!
    MEN!

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  2. Amen on the toliet paper. I know I feel like the only one around here who can put in a new roll and Adam fusses if I put it in the wrong way! OCD is such a pain to deal with sometimes.

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  3. lol, this morning.. because of this post, I left the single gluey tp... it was funny!

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  4. I haven't had a chance to read 'this' post yet but wanted to tell you thank you for commenting about the kids and the blog..I never know if I type something AFTER someone types something on my blog if they go back and read..maybe a question for Chris....hahaha You are way too sweet!!!

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  5. and BTW as if you didn't already know, we LOVE Chris :)

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  6. OH MY GOSH..I am cracking up (and yes, ask Chris I say 'cracking up' WAY too much..) so I'll watch that comment when I post..hahaha You are so funny...I was reading your post and thinking YEP all of it's true..and you wait until you been married 21 years and him leaving the last little bit of toilet paper will be the last thing on your mind..ha It's like they can WALK OVER TRASH to get to the fridge for something to eat...go thru a complete WASHED dishwasher load for that ice cream bowl and not 'empty' the dishwasher and then come back later and 'start' to put the one said bowl back in the dishwasher and want to know if this load is clean or not...SCREAM...Where they clean when you got that bowl out 10 minutes AGO????????? Of course I am not talking about Charlie..he's perfect..was talking about other husbands :)

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  7. and one more BTW..I didn't notice Whitney and Chloe in 'your list' of not talked about Children...ok so spill it..hahahahahah

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  8. Mrs. Angie, you are too funny. And the things that you "didn't" say about your hubby are SO true too. What's with these guys? God definately has a sense of humor. BTW, Chloe and Whitney are on that list too...(unofficially). I promise, I never would have said anything about y'all. I love you guys!

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  9. good...ha thought I was going to have to come up there and be one of those 'white trash Trenton girls' you were referring to...haha

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  10. Just noticed my 'hahahahahha's' need to watch that...ESPECIALLY on this blog..I don't want to be the next 'post'..ok ONE MORE TIME...hahahhaha

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  11. Mrs. Angie,
    Feel free to use hahaha or "crackin' up" in my blog comments. I don't mind. I just love the comments. Oh, and I think that we all have a little "white trash" runnin' through our veins at times....haha.

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  12. I'm fond of the middle finger too, but quite a few years ago some black guy came whipping up behind me as I was backing up in the Best Buy parking lot and beeped at me...it was his fault for speeding through the parking lot...so I gave him the finger. Well, bad idea...he blocked my car in and got out and came up banging on the window. Some other guy came over and threatened him if he didn't leave me alone! My mom thought we were about to get beat up by him! I am more careful when using the middle finger now...sadly...though they can't see me with the dark tint in my new car now. :-P

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  13. I appreciate your ability to just spell out what everyonw else is already thinking!!!! Thanks for not talking bad about my kids....BTW, you "crack me up" too!!

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