In trying to cheer myself up over these last few days, I’ve been racking my brain on funny things to write. There are a few things that I’ve come up with, but tonight, I’m going to write about my first job. I will have been working at the Journal for 3 years, tomorrow actually, and it has been a blast. I’ve had some of the craziest people in there, but nothing will ever compare to my stories of working at the grocery store. For a long time after I went to work at the Journal, I toyed with the idea of leaving and going back to the grocery store…just because of the people there and the stories of what happens behind closed doors. Although, for those of you that know him…please, PLEASE never tell Ryan that b/c he has a big enough head. Plus, I flicked him off today :-) Truthfully, although the pay stunk, and you had to deal with the loonies, it was a lot of fun. You never knew what you were going to come to work to. It will be these stories that I will one day put in a book. (I can’t write my book just yet…I’m still waiting for some people to die so I don’t get sued :-) So, I have racked my brain, and thought of a few funny stories to tell y’all.
Many people believe that being a cashier in a grocery store is the equivalent to flipping burgers, it just isn’t a job that requires much intelligence. While I feel that myself and many of the friends that I made there were rather intelligent, there were some working there that sometimes made you wonder. Once (Lord, I pray this girl never reads this) I was bagging groceries for a girl when she asks me in the most honest, not-kidding voice: “Aleta, we sell Lion meat?” I said “What are you talking about? We don’t sell Lion meat.” I picked up the package…and I swear, y’all, it was pork loin. I just about peed all over myself trying to keep from rolling on the floor laughing. Boy, was she embarrassed. That’s just one of those moments where you have to shake your head in shame.
(This also has to do with that same girl…Bless ‘er heart) We were bored one night, so the manager that was on duty found one of those sex offender lists that come through the mail and has pictures and information about the ones in your area. Well, he thought he’d be funny, so he very precisely cut a picture out of Ryan and stuck it on one of profiles. Then, he proceeded to thumbtack it to the wall in the office. It was meant to be a joke for Ryan…but this girl happened to run across it when she was on break, in the office, with Ryan. She says to him “Ryan, the picture looks like you. Are you a child molester?” Needless to say, she didn’t fully grasp that it was a joke, and got out of the office rather quickly.
Even though I don’t exactly have the highest respect for the skater kids in our area, considering their deviant behavior… but the old skater kid crew was very creative. I was stocking shelves one Saturday, when the cashier that was working came in laughing (mind you, it was like 7 in the morning). I asked her what was up, and she said to go check out the sign out front. While it was supposed to say “Asst. Whole Fryers,” the skater kids had gotten creative, and had changed it to say “Ass Hole Tryers.” The manager wasn’t happy, but everyone else thought it was funny. Only perverted 12 year-old boys would think up something like that.
These are the only stories that I can think of tonight…but be prepared to hear more. Sometimes they come like some kind of recovered memory. I am however, starting a list. And if y’all want to add to this …just add a comment. Here it is…
Things that you don’t do in a check-out line at the grocery store
1. Play with your crusty nipple ring (so gross!)
2. Ask the cashier what kind of condom she finds most pleasurable—I swear, I wanted to gag. (Y’all pardon me for this, I feel it’s a bit risqué but it did happen while I was working one day)
3. Get food stamp money off of your card to pay your church tithes. –Does anyone find this odd besides me?
4. Tear your purse apart before dropping everything to go digging in your bra to find money.
5. Or, along those same lines, pull your ringing phone out of your bra while trying to pay for your groceries.
If y’all have anything more to add…just comment. It’s still a work in progress.