Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The dreaded scales and the pregnancy scare

Well, I had to go to the doctor today. Nothing serious: just a check-up to see how my new happy pills were working. As always, I had “issues” before I even got to the point where I talk to my doctor. Apparently the girl that ushered me to the back was doing her clinicals there. I pray that this girl figures out shortly that nursing might not be her best career option. (Bless ‘er heart). As she walked me back, and we neared the dreaded scale, I turned to her and said “Yeah…I’m not going to be weighed today.” She looked at me with a tad bit of annoyance and said “excuse me” with her eyebrow raised. --Obviously she hadn’t seen the “Chiefland Medical B**** list”, because my name is at the very top, in bold, and highlighted. I’ve went a few rounds with these people before…more about this farther down…and they don’t mess with me much anymore.—Well, I repeated myself about not being weighed, and she pulled another nurse to the side and asked her if that was ok. As soon as the other nurse looked at me, I saw her say “Oh, it’s ok…she doesn’t have to be weighed.” So we went on our merry way to the little cubicle with the blood pressure equipment.

We sit down in the little cubicle and she breaks out the blood pressure cuff, and it’s the kids one. So, she then tries to detach the kid cuff and put the adult one on. She fiddled, and fiddled, and fiddled. As I am looking at my mom, rolling my eyes, she says “I’m going to have to go get my supervisor for this.” WTH? I’m not one to talk, considering that I have a problem opening child-proof lids, but ummm…shouldn’t you have learned how to do this before clinicals?? After her supervisor came and put the grown-up cuff on (and took my blood pressure), I FINALLY got to see my doctor.

If you will flashback with me to summer 2008, you will find me at CMC once again. I practically lived in there during July of last year. (Bladder infection led to finding out I had Mono, which led to low B12 levels, and gallbladder issues…yeah, it was a busy month…As I’m writing this, I realize that I sound like a little old lady). The day that started everything, I had a nurse usher me to the back and try to weigh me. I told her I didn’t want to be weighed. She told me that she had to weigh me. Oh, well, in deciding that this might not be the battle I wanted to fight, I hopped on the scales. To give y’all a visual, it was a busy day, and there were patients lined up behind me. The nurse then yells my weight down the hallway as if she’s yelling bingo numbers. At this point, I have steam billowing out of my ears. I turned to her (she’s smirking…like she just did something funny), I raised my eyebrows, and I said “why did you just do that?” She replied, still with the smirk, “I just thought that you’d want to know.” I looked her dead in the eyes and said “Ummm…considering I just said that I didn’t want to be weighed, what would give you that impression?” (Did I mention I had raised my voice a little…and it was causing some attention…oops :) She looked down and said sorry. I said “Dern right you’re sorry. You’re fixin’ to be.” OOOh, y’all, I was some kind of mad. From there, I reported her to the doctor that she was working for that day. Then, I called and reported her to the woman in charge of HIPPA violations. –Never mess with a mad, b****y, chunky girl…they will get you back SO much worse. This is why the nurses at CMC know me, and don’t push me into things (such as weighing…unless I want to) anymore. But I digress….

In this same visit, I tell the doctor all of my symptoms (bladder infection, fatigue). She then asks me if I’m pregnant. I answer with a firm “NO!” Well, she sends me back for tests to see if I might have a bladder infection, and I have blood work to see if I have mono. As I’m having my blood work done, the lab girl tells me to go and wait in the waiting room for the results of my pregnancy test. WTH??????? (I thought I had answered this already…). Can we say uncomfortable? I had to go and sit in the waiting room for what felt like an eternity waiting on test results that I knew were going to come back negative. (As a side note—For those of you who know me well, you know that I’m a bit paranoid and I over think things WAY too much. Although through most of the wait I was thinking “I don’t see a donkey, wise men, or a manger in my near future” I will say that I did have a few paranoid thoughts. For about a minute, I seriously contemplated alternative methods that could result in pregnancy. Which brought me to the thoughts, “If I were to have gotten pregnant that way, how the HELL would I know who the daddy was? And can you ‘catch’ that from the dreaded toilet seat?”) Finally, after like 15 minutes, the woman comes back and tells me “You’re not pregnant.” To which I replied “Yeah, no crap.” (Ok…maybe a little sigh of relief for all of my paranoid thoughts).

As soon as I hit the doors, I called my mom and said “Well, Mom, you’re not going to be a grandma.” She was like “WHAT?? Was there a question?” I said, “Nope. But they tested me anyway. You’d have thought that I would know if I were getting any.”

I once had to see a Gastro specialist (b/c of the gall bladder). After sitting down with him for 20 minutes, he told me that I needed to cut back on my ice cream in-take (I’m more of a sugar-free popsicle girl, myself) or I would need a liver transplant. Not sure exactly how we went from my gall bladder to me having liver failure. As always, I needed to lose weight, and that would solve everything from brain tumors to in-grown toenails, poverty in third-world countries to the Iraqi war. So, after I try to tell him that I had lost some weight (15 lbs at that point. I've gained it all back now, unfortunately). He responds by saying that he's lost over 100 lbs in his lifetime, but that didn't mean he could keep it off. Ok. So what are you saying then?? I need to lose weight, but if I do, it might not mean much?

Yes, I don’t like doctor’s visits. And I’m sure the nurses there don’t like me either. I'm telling you, I'm on SEVERAL B**** lists.

To end this, I will add the list of “Things Aleta hates about doctor’s visits.”

“Things Aleta hates about doctor’s visits”

2. It doesn’t matter if you go in there for a hang nail, they will ask you when your last period was.
3. Any ailment can be solved by weight loss. Your weight is the cause of any and every ailment (including the hang nails).
4. It smells funny.
5. Even if you go to the doctor and you’re not sick (like for a check-up or something) you WILL be after sitting in the waiting room for five minutes.

My dad thought that I should have went into the medical field. I think not.

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