Monday, March 9, 2009

Y tu eHarmony?

Ok, before y’all go thinking that I have succumbed to Lee and AnneMarie’s pleas to join eHarmony so that I might find a “lasting love,” just know that I have not. Although, truthfully, I think that someone is stealing all the fish in my sea. WTH? Hussies. So after, say, the age of 25, I might just join eHarmony. I ain’t knockin’ the idea just yet. :)

Anyways. Back to the point. Although people find “lasting love” on there, you notice they only really put the pretty matches on tv. I know this sounds mean…(but when has that ever stopped me, right?) …but I’m bettin’ the not-so-pretty ones were just desperate to settle down, and any match they got would’ve suited them fine. I’m not QUITE to that point yet. (Although, come back in a few years, it might have changed by then…tee-he-he).

I also believe that eHarmony wouldn’t exactly appreciate the specifications that I listed in a memo attached to my “compatibility test.” It would read this…

To whom this may concern,

I have a few suggestions for you when searching for my match. Would you please see to it that my match has ALL of his teeth? I am completely opposed to my match having clammy or feminine hands. I would prefer a dark, handsome, Christian man, with manly hands and the perfect amount of chest hair. Yet, his back must not look like he is first cousin to a gorilla. Also, could you please see to it that he had a Southern drawl and a good singing voice to serenade me with? He needs to be able to make me laugh like Jon Reep does. I would like for him NOT to spend as much/more time in front of the mirror as I do. He must be able to deal well with a bunch of women and a TON of insanity…and that’s not even bringing up his in-laws-to-be. Finally, I’m not really into Vegan men either; having your man look emaciated is not really a turn on. Well, I think that covers all of my specifications.

This should still leave plenty of men, right? Good luck. In the words of Tim Gunn..."Make it work."


Yeah, when the “to whom this may concern” person reads my memo, I’m going to get the big fat eHarmony rejection letter. I can see it now. Maybe in the next few years I will lower my standards a bit. Hell, by the age of 30, I may lessen the standard to “mammal.”


  1. Dang, I just noticed I'm the only dude up there following your blog (yikes), this might be like stepping into the snake pit ROFL. Anyway, got a couple questions for ya.

    First up: clammy or feminine hands?? Isn't that something that happens occasionally? I mean if your man-to-be for some odd reason decides to help or does the dishes and he uses the Palmolive Softening hand soap.. won't he for at least a few min have feminine hands?

    Next, What are the qualifications for manly hands? I'm a man, I have hands, would that not make them 'manly' hands? LOL

    Just some thoughts ;-)

  2. In response to you, Roberto (btw...I'm calling you Roberto from now sounds and exotic). I'm fine with you being the only dude on my blog. Not many of the guys here have blogs. So, its ok. Second, I will explain my feminine hands issue. I have some male friends that have really, really girly hands (that they have ALL the time...not just on rare occasion). They look girlier than mine...and I'm a girl (obviously) so, that's just wierd. It would be like holding hands with a girl...and that's just odd. So, I prefer more caloused hands. Hands that make me think they're strong or hardworking. That is my point, Roberto. And that's sweet that you offer to help Amy with the dishes. I'm sure she appreciates it (even if you do have girly hands shortly thereafter). :)

  3. Once again, I have laughed so hard over reading your latest post that I have nearly fallen out on the bedroom floor. I TOTALLY agree with all of your requirements. 100 percent agree in fact! Also, understand the rough not soft hands issue. A man with soft hands...would be like holding hands with...well...Tim Gunn.

    eharmony would be a hoot for sure! I would almost like for you to do it just so we could all hear about your "experiences" with online matchmaking, but knowing what a nut magnet you are, I would hate to see what you might reel in!!